(an alternative ending to Homegoing) The legend of brown pants and the flaming turd

By:

A very sh*ty ending to Homegoing

(this starts after pg. 292 where Marcus meets Marjorie)

Six months later, Marcus found himself standing in front of a castle. Next to him was Marjorie, who knew the place like the back of her hand. Marcus felt fear in his gut as he approached the massive stone structure, and his insides became loose. They were greeted by an extremely unenthusiastic docent, who looked as though she was asleep, with closed eyes and drool coming out of her mouth. After handing them two pamphlets, she stood up and lumbered past them. Marcus and Marjorie watched as she walked into a wall several times, eventually stepping to the side, and fell down a very long flight of stairs. When she finally stopped at the bottom of the stairs with a fantastic faceplant, she began to snore. Marcus and Marjorie quickly walked into the first exhibit. There they saw some spooky scary skeletons, and then some more exciting old dead people. They came to the skeleton of another long dead person. The plaque under it read:

Effia

The wife of a fat white dude.

Marjorie scoffed. “What a dumb name. She must have been a real special snowflake.” Marcus nodded, concentrating on not soiling his pants. Once they had seen all of the spooky, scary skeletons and old dead people, they finally got to the dungeon. Marcus grew even more afraid, though he could not explain why. Then, the smell hit him. One would think that after hundreds of years the potent smell of poop would dissipate or even vanish, but it did not. It only worsened. Marcus promptly contributed to the smell out of fear, ruining his new pair of pants. Good thing he wore the brown pair. Marcus then unconsciously walked over to a spot in the room and started digging. He had no control of his body, and was seemingly oblivious to a tour guide who was politely but absently asking him to stop. Marjorie was wondering why he had casually ruined a pair of brown pants and now was digging a hole mindlessly. As Marcus dug deeper, Marjorie noticed that the stone on the necklace that rested on her chest grew warmer. Marcus stopped digging and reached into the hole pulling out a stone similar to the one that Marjorie had. He stood up, straddling the hole and said in a strange high pitched voice “Ah ha! I found you!” As the words came out of his mouth, the log in his pants jostled just enough to slide down his leg and join up with the dung down below with a disgusting plop. By now the stone on Marjorie’s chest was uncomfortably hot and she took it off, looking at it, comparing it to the feces covered stone in Marcus’s hand, that was when Marcus snapped back to his senses, shook his head a few times, took one step, and fell directly into the hole. Forgetting about the stone Marjorie began to laugh, and soon a turd went flying out of the hole, and stuck to the ceiling of the dungeon. Marjorie could just see Marcus’ fingers launching the excrement from edge the hole. The discharge then fell back into the hole with a slick-sounding squelch. Marcus said a few kind and definitely family friendly words while climbing out of the hole, covered from head to toe fecal matter. Now everything he wore matched his pants. Marjorie was laughing so hard that she could not breathe, and she accidentally flung the stone at Marcus. It landed right in the hand that its twin resided in, conveniently. Both of the stones started to glow white hot and soon caught fire. Marjorie’s laughter ceased, and Marcus screamed very loudly as the stones burned his flesh and he fell back into the waste filled hole along with the screaming Marcus. The smell of burning excrement and flesh filled the dungeon, along with the harmonized screams of Marjorie, Marcus and the tour guide. And that was when the stones exploded. The shockwave was felt around the world and the crater was visible from space. The crater reeked like fresh, warm manure and filled up with brown tinted water to create a new ocean called the aegean turd.